Be honest. Does it feel like whatever you do, women always seem to disappear from your life?
You can’t quite put your finger on it, but something in you pushes women away.
You feel you’re doing everything right. You feel you’re just being yourself. On some level you feel like women are always attracted to the wrong type of guy, when they should be attracted to you instead.
On another level, you’re doubting.
Maybe there is something in your behavior that causes women to look another way.
But you don’t want to pretend to behave in a certain way just so women would find you attractive. So what gives?
Let’s talk about the behaviors that are unattractive to women, and how you can let go of those behaviors without losing your own self in the process. It’s actually quite the opposite. Once you recognize and lose these behaviors, you’ll actually be able to FIND yourself.
You Are Not Your Behavior
First, let’s get something straight.
I’m not here to tell you what to feel, what kind of person you should be or how you should live your life.
You are who you are, and that’s wonderful. I wish all the power and fortune to the person you are.
But hear me when I say this: you are not your thoughts. You are not your behavior.
That might not make any sense to you, or you might feel defensive when I say that. So instead of focusing on you, let me tell you a story about the time I taught class at a lower grade school.
Acting Out to Express an Underlying Feeling
I used to see these 10-year-old kids in math class with trouble concentrating. They would get up from their desk and start bothering other kids. They would shout at me and complain that math is stupid. They wouldn’t do their homework.
These kids were known as “badly behaved” or “troubled” children.
Even back then, I didn’t believe a child could be inherently troubled or badly behaved.
So I would sit down with this kid after class, or during class. I’d ask him what’s really the problem here. I’d ask him does he not like math? Is the problem difficult? I wouldn’t blame them, I would just try to understand and explain to them my point of view and why it’s important to not disturb the class.
After just a very short time listening to this kid and giving him space to express his feelings, he would open up.
One time he would be frustrated because the numbers just didn’t make sense. In other words, nobody had taught him the subject in a way that made sense to him.
Another time, the kid nearly broke into tears after confessing to me that he didn’t have a quiet space at home to work on his homework and understand the subject.
These kids were not troubled.
They simply had developed a behavior to express a feeling that they couldn’t communicate in other ways. Frustration. Embarrassment. Pressure.
When you don’t have the tools to deal with your feelings, you start acting out with bad behavior.
When Behavior Becomes Part of Your Identity
If there’s no way to express the underlying feeling, there will be no way to snap out of the recurring behavior pattern. Eventually the person starts to identify with their behavior because it’s all they experience.
Imagine someone feels unheard and unrespected by their peers at work, or in their social circle. This might lead to the person feeling angry or hurt, and they might lash out at their loved ones because of it.
If the person is aware of the underlying cause, they are able to separate themself from the behavior. They would say: “I feel angry and lash out at people because I feel unheard and unrespected by my peers.”
On the other hand, a person who isn’t aware would identify with the behavior: “I lash out at people because I am an angry person, and people should just live with that.”
In another example, imagine someone working on a task that feels mindnumbingly boring or just completely unclear? This might lead to the person feeling lazy and procrastinating on doing anything.
An aware person might say “I felt lazy and procrastinated on my task because the project felt meaningless and my task was unclear.” They would distance themselves from the temporary behavior and make it easier to resolve the larger issue.
An unaware person might say “I am a lazy procrastinator, therefore I get nothing done, therefore I will never succeed.” They would identify with the temporary behavior, ultimately hindering their own progress in life.
Notice that one person uses words like "I FEEL x," while the other uses words like "I AM x."
And it’s the same with you, dear reader.
Even though you behave in a certain way, even if it’s all you ever do, you are not that behavior. It is just a temporary action in response to an underlying feeling.
Change Your Behavior To Change Your Results
As you noticed, the person who identifies as a lazy procrastinator, will always act as a lazy procrastinator. They will never begin anything or get anything done because it would go against who they (think they) are.
It’s only when they realize they are not their behavior that they can get a different result.
Your behavior is a result of years of conditioning. It’s your way of protecting against the world. It’s something you’ve learned along your journey to get a specific result.
Your behaviors have kept you alive until now, so you might’ve formed an identity around them. They’ve provided you with the results you have today.
To get a different result, you must examine your behaviors and be willing to let go of the ones that no longer serve you.
7 Behaviors That Make You Massively Unattractive
I hope you understand by this point that I’m here to work with you. I am not here to question your self-worth or identity.
Now we’ll go through seven common behaviors that are massively unattractive and even repulsive to women. If you recognize these behaviors in you, or see yourself behaving in these ways constantly, it’s time to do a harmful behavior spot check.
Here's how. Run through this checklist, GENTLY asking yourself these questions.
Harmful Behavior Spot Check
- Am I this behavior, or am I just behaving in this way right now?
- Do I need this behavior?
- If yes, why? If not, when can I let go of this behavior?
- Repeat until you let go or get clarity.
Observe your body’s reactions and give it time. Remember that these behaviors are protecting you from pain. They are not your enemy. You are not your enemy.
Eventually you will no longer need to identify with that behavior and start tracking down the underlying feeling causing it.
1. You Feel Anger, or Resentment Towards Women
Do you feel anger, bitterness, resentment towards women because of how they’ve treated you in the past?
Perhaps they’ve rejected your advances, perhaps they’ve ghosted you before. Perhaps women consistently leave you seenzoned or reply to your messages with one word replies. Perhaps you’re irritated at how women behave, constantly playing immature games and how they’re making things difficult for men.
Perhaps you don’t even know why. Or perhaps you have a damn good reason to be angry and I couldn’t possibly imagine what experiences you’ve been through.
Regardless, it’s time to stop. If you feel any of these things towards women, it will influence the way you behave in future encounters. It’ll show up in your demeanor in real life and in your online messaging.
Girls especially will pick up on this from a mile away, and it’s incredibly unattractive. Women look for emotional stability in a man, and this is the opposite of it. Plus they don’t want to take the risk of becoming the target of your wrath.
It’s like Yoda says, let go of your hate. Forgive everyone. Not for them, but for yourself. You carry this poison and it’s not serving you.
2. You Take Yourself Very Seriously
Do you feel personally threatened when someone proves you wrong? What about when you become the laughing stock, the butt of a joke?
Do you feel it’s really important to win arguments on the internet?
Some guys feel the fate of the world hangs on the popularity of their favorite movie, the success of their specific choice of game console, or whether or not they’re a better driver than some other person. Are you one of those guys?
This is a classic case of giving too many fucks, and it’s wildly unattractive to girls. A man who is unable to laugh at himself will come off as boring and serious, or egoic and judgemental, all of which is a turnoff.
Remember that an attractive man is unapologetic about who he is and focuses on pursuing his own goals in life. A man who is constantly bothered by other people’s validation and opinions is the opposite of this. Women will consider this sort of guy frail and high maintenance.
3. You Feel Jealous Of Other People
Do you feel other guys have it better than you? Do you feel resentful of other men who are shorter, taller, fitter, more handsome than you are? Maybe they’ve had better luck in life and earned some good money at a young age. Do you feel it necessary to air out your complaints about them?
Do you generally compare yourself to other people and feel short changed because you don’t have what they have?
Stop it. This is not healthy and women don’t like it.
You have what you have. If someone else has something you would also want in your life, be happy for them. Then be happy about what you have. Then ask yourself if you want it too, and what kind of person you would have to be to have it. Then go after it.
If you feel resentful about what you got at birth, stop it. You’re all you got. If you’re short, suck it up. If you’re ugly, suck it up. Learn to love it. If you don’t love you, how could anyone else?
This is Jon Morrow, CEO of Smartblogger.com. Brilliant writer, brilliant teacher, 7-figure business owner. He's got hundreds and thousands of women fawning over him because he's such a badass. Oh and he's paralyzed from the neck down.
You have nothing to complain about.
Women are bored by unhealthy jealousy and unhealthy competitiveness. Women find a man attractive when he doesn’t complain, but accepts the present, and then works to create a reality where he gets what he wants.
4. You Place Expectations and Judgements on Her
Do you expect women to behave in a particular way? Maybe you feel it’s totally obvious that they should behave in a particular way. Do you then judge them and shame them for behaving in any other way than you expected them to behave?
You don’t get to dictate how other people behave, regardless of how perplexing it is to you. Other people will do exactly as they please. Women especially, like it or not.
Now, you don’t need to accept women into your life who don’t live up to your standards. That’s totally fine. But you CAN NOT judge her for behaving in a way you didn’t expect her to. You’re not entitled to that.
Women find this sort of judgement extremely unattractive.
An attractive man will be unapologetic about his personal standards for the company he keeps, sure. But an attractive man will also accept and love women who don’t rise up to that standard. He has no need to judge or shame people for what they are or are not.
5. You're Needy
If you could only get her phone number, you’d be complete. If you could only get married, your life would be so much better. Hell, if you could only get a response to your text message, things would look so much better.
Do you feel a deep need to get the girl or get laid? Do you desperately want her approval, her validation, her reaction or her smile?
Do you browse online dating sites endlessly, trying to find a woman who would be with you?
Let go of it.
You have an internal emptiness that you think a woman or something she has can fulfill. Truth is, nothing external will ever fulfill this need you’ve created. Only by internally accepting yourself can you fulfill this hole in your soul.
Women don’t like a needy man. Nothing is a bigger turnoff than a man begging to get something. This sort of man will feel like a huge burden to the woman. Trying to get something from her might or even feel objectifying.
6. You Feel Entitled to a Reward From Her
After all the work you put in, don’t you feel deserving of her? You bought dinner and paid for the taxi, she should at least kiss you for your trouble.
You’ve been very nice and friendly, she should at least send you nudes.
You’ve been friends with her for a year now, she should at least reward you with sex.
Do you recognize these thoughts, or some similar form of entitlement? Drop it immediately.
You’re not entitled to anything from her or anyone else, unless you have a written business contract with them. You don’t collect goodguy-points when you’re with a woman. There is nothing she owes you for your company or for you being a decent human being.
Thinking along these lines reduces her to nothing but a business venture. A conquest. An object.
Nothing is more repulsive to a woman than being considered an object.
An attractive man will think of her as a human being with her own unique personality and desires. It is not a matter of trading services, it’s about exploring each other as humans, as people.
7. You're A People Pleaser
People pleasing is a behavior pattern that comes from a dysfunctional parent relationship growing up.
It’s when you try to be nice so other people would accept you more readily. You hide your true opinion, or even try to change your opinion to suit what they think. (Or what you think they think.) This causes issues of inauthenticity, when you behave in a way that doesn’t represent you authentically for fear of judgement.
It’s hard for you to say no. You say yes, even when you know the right answer is no, and cause trouble and stress for yourself.
You’re ready to take blame and apologize, even when the mistake has nothing to do with you. You feel that saying sorry is a great way to get people to feel good about you.
The brilliant Julia Kristina on how to stop people pleasing
This is an unfortunate behavior pattern that runs deep, but you have to snap out of it. It’s incredibly unattractive to women. They will feel that a people pleaser is needy, boring and inauthentic.
An attractive man is unapologetic about who he is and what he does. He will risk rejection and disapproval because he doesn’t give a fuck.
Which behaviors do you recognize in yourself?
Remember that you are none of these behaviors. These are just the way you behave in this present moment. And you can stop behaving in that way anytime you like.
Now you know which behaviors are the troublesome ones that will cause you to be unattractive in the eyes of your dream girl. Good news is, now you can do something about it.