Online dating can be brutal at the best of times.
Imagine you’ve just matched with a new girl. You’re ecstatic about the possibility of talking with this amazing woman. She’s beautiful and her profile looks fun and smart.
You DO NOT want to screw this up.
Unfortunately what lies between now and a successful first date between you two is … the TEXTING.
Your text game is slightly worse than awful, and you dread the next few seconds. Will you say something completely awkward? Will you find yourself once again at the receiving end of a “Seen” notification and complete silence from her?
If you could just get her out in real life, she’d see what a wonderful guy you are!
Sound familiar? Let’s look at seven texting mistakes that are costing you the first date.
How You Know Your Text Game Sucks
Hey, I’ve been there. I still am! I’ve been practicing this dark art for over two decades and my text communication is still average at best. In fact, most guys are pretty terrible at texting.
So if you feel a bit lacking in this department, you’re not alone. Luckily you don’t have to be a texting expert to get first dates. You just have to understand what you’re doing wrong that’s driving her away.
How do you know your weakness is in texting though?
Okay, so you’ve just matched with a girl and you want to get her out on a date. You’ve initiated contact and your method of communication is by text. After a while, she does one of these things:
Clearly something was not communicated properly in this textual exchange between you two.
In short, if you lost her after the first time she read your text messages, you can be confident that your text game is the thing that drove her away. Don’t worry though. There’s seven common mistakes that us men keep making when texting, and they’re easily fixed.
7 Texting Mistakes That Drive Her Away
Texting is an inherently unnatural way of communicating with people. It’s very difficult to convey emotion, feeling, tone or reactions through text, which means that part of the message is always lost in translation.
“Just give up texting” was my go to solution for this situation, but it simply isn’t enough. In modern day dating (or dating after 1995), text communication is an integral part of how we interact.
Instead of the fingers-in-ears response, we need to adapt to and embrace texting as a useful tool for getting those girls to meet us in real life.
Here are seven mistakes that men keep making that drive her away.
Note: These mistakes only apply to situations where you haven’t met her yet, or gone out on your first proper date together. When you’ve been physically intimate with each other, texting rules go out the window.
1. Trying to Build Rapport Over Text
If she hasn’t met you yet, she doesn’t know you. And you can not get to know her over text.
It just doesn’t work that way. As mentioned previously, it’s very difficult to convey emotion, feeling, tone or reactions through text. If you can’t do those things, it’s impossible to truly get to know someone.
None of your jokes will land because she doesn’t know you, and none of your stories or anecdotes will seem all that interesting because she can’t feel the emotion behind the story.
You’ll come off as boring, harmless, and utterly undateable. As a result - she loses interest and ghosts you.
Usually a need to build rapport over text comes from a discomfort of actually meeting up with her. In other words, you’re telling her all these things just in case she wouldn’t meet you otherwise.
Just stop it. If you’re not old friends, or if you haven’t yet splattered your cum on her stomach, texting is great for two things:
- Setting up dates and transmitting logistical information
- Brightening her day with a random silly joke, gif or voice message
Never use it for anything else. If you want to chat with her, as you should, check out point #2.
2. Texting Without A Clear Intention
I get that you’re aching to chat with this girl, especially if it feels like you have a good chemistry together.
Trust me, I get it.
Still, don’t do it over text. If you go down that road, it’s an endless path of nonsense blah blah that will eventually turn boring.
Even in the rare case she finds the conversation exciting, she will consider you a good conversationalist. Harmless. Meaningless. Boring.
Eventually she will stop looking at her phone when she receives a message from you.
No, don’t be the harmless nonsense guy. Instead, only text her with the intention of getting her on videochat or on a date. No dillydallying. Just simple, effective texts with a clear intention in mind.
Your text conversation with her should consist of 3-4 lines:
- 1A greeting. “Hey Susan!”
- 2Compliment on something personal you saw in her profile. Bonus points if you can tell her why it struck a chord with you. “You’re a writer too? That’s so cool. You know I’m taking part in a 90-day blogging challenge, trying to publish something every day.”
- 3Wait for a reply or reaction. Perhaps respond with a tease or friendly banter.
- 4Escalate. “Awesome. Hey you’re pretty cool and I’m pretty bad at this texting thing. Want to get on Zoom (or your platform of choice) for a quick chat?”
Simple. Easy. Doesn’t need more than 4 lines, now does it?
If she doesn’t want to chat, accept, love and move on. Don’t dwell on it and certainly don’t keep texting her. If it’s not a good time for her, arrange a better time and move on.
Remember that you’re going to have to hang out with this lady at some point. If she doesn’t want to chat with you on the video, how could it ever work in real life?
You can also choose to meet immediately instead of a video chat. I find this is best if you’re in the same area or if you just hit it off perfectly immediately, but usually it’s best to get to know each other a bit.
3. Being Too Available
The reason you make your point concisely is because you are an attractive man with a lot going on in your life. (Whether or not that’s true, live like it is.) You simply don’t have the energy to spend time on the phone or at the keyboard spending endless hours texting someone you haven’t even met.
Why would you? That’s a ridiculous idea. You have no idea who she is. An attractive, successful man is busy building his life and spending time with his loved ones.
Common mistakes guys make regarding this are:
- They text her constantly. This of course is cured by the texting with intention-bit. You set up a meeting and then don’t use text anymore.
- They feel pressure to answer her immediately. If you got shit going on, you can’t be on your phone. Don’t feel like you need to answer her texts.
- They’re always available for a date. Now, I don’t care if your whole week is free and you have nothing to do. You need to set two different time slots for meeting women. This will make it easier to arrange a meeting, and it will also seem like you’re a busy guy with shit to do. Which is probably true, because you have other dates to go on with different women.
So again. Only use text to set up a date. Then set yourself a time limit (or amount limit) for texting per day.
4. Chasing Her Attention or Approval
So you broke the 4-lines rule. You ended up babbling. You ended up sending a joke that really REALLY didn’t land well. You ended up giving up the farm and telling her all about your ex. (If that's the case, check out our article about overwhelming her with too much information.)
Now she’s not replying.
Do you follow up with a 6-page panic apology to regain her trust?
Nah, relax my dude.
You may have indeed fucked it up royally. That’s a possibility. Let’s accept that first. You may have driven this girl away. Great. Learn from it.
You’ve accepted it now? Great. Let’s assess the situation.
- You can not know what she’s thinking. You can’t. So forget about building doomsday situations.
- You can’t make her act in a way that she doesn’t want to act. Truth is, she may not have been interested in you in the first place. You may have just saved yourself a whole bunch of trouble dealing with a woman who doesn’t care about you.
So is there any way to fix this situation?
The best thing you can do is wait. You shut up and you let time take care of it. Wait for a week and say “Hey what’s up?”. If there’s still no response, wait two weeks and do the same. Then just let her go.
Meanwhile, focus on messaging and connecting with other girls. You’ll soon realize that she may not have been so impressive as you (or your penis) thought she was in the first place. There’s other girls on this planet. In fact, over half of the people on this little globe are women.
5. Expecting Her to Only Text With You
Here’s a newsflash for you guys. If she’s at all attractive, she’s got a dozen other guys chasing after her, and she’s texting with all of them.
You’re just one of the guys.
This is a shock to some men. They expect that the random online girl they’ve just initiated conversation with will suddenly drop all of her other activities and only talk with him.
Then when he finds out that she’s actually been talking with several men at once, he feels that she has betrayed him or put him on rotation or used him as a self-esteem booster.
Guys. Get your head out of your ass. There’s no evil feminine plot going on here. This is how life works with an attractive girl. If you can’t handle that there’s other men fawning over her, you need to look inside, because that’s a self-esteem issue.
Think about it this way. If other men aren’t chasing after her, why not? Is there something wrong with her?
The best way to handle this situation is to accept and even expect her to have dozens of men trying to get her. Then just be awesome and be better than any of those other men. If she chooses other men instead, then it wasn’t meant to be.
Just don’t worry about it.
6. Expecting a Response or Reaction
Another thing that can be aggravating as all hell is the non-response. You sent a message, asked a question and you’re left with a seen-notification.
What’s that about? Why can’t she respond?
This can lead guys down a path of fury and righteous anger, blaming her for wasting his time and misleading him and all sorts of accusations his ego comes up with.
If that sounds too extreme, good. You’re clearly a rational and calm person.
If that sounds all too familiar, don’t worry. I’ve been there. We’ve ALL been there. A lot of guys have done much worse, like sending an insane wall-of-text message to her, describing in great detail how infuriated he feels for being left “seen-zoned.” It’s all just a release of bottled up rage, wrapped up in a nice package of entitlement.
So, let’s just clear this up once and for all so you don’t have to go through that emotional rollercoaster.
- When you send a message, that’s the end of it. You’re not entitled to a response, unfortunately. Accept the fact that you might never hear from her again. Obviously that hopefully doesn’t happen and she eventually gets back to you, but it may not. And that’s fine.
- She is a human person and she has other things to do than stare at her phone all day. Remember that thing about you leading an amazing life and not being able to be on your phone all the time? Well, assume the same for her and double it too because she’s got a ton of other people to respond to as well.
- Always assume the best, then forget it. You’ll save yourself a ton of heartache by assuming the best case scenario, and then just moving on with the rest of your day.
- Remember that she owes you nothing and you’re entitled to nothing from her.
We good? Good.
If you feel the rage coming on, go run a lap, do some shadow boxing, go do 50 push ups etc. That angry energy is legitimate and needs to be expressed somehow. Do not vent it into the phone.
7. Making it Too Heavy and Serious
Some guys think that texting is the place for clearing up personal misunderstandings or talking about heavy topics.
It’s like some bosses, who fire people using text because they don’t want to confront their employees.
It’s all a case of lack of testicles. You do NOT use text to communicate tough topics.
Of course you can avoid all this by sticking to number #1 and #2 on this list, but if you happen to get involved in a texting situation where you’re about to send something serious, stop and reconsider.
Regardless of how long you’ve known her, NEVER use texts for the following topics:
- Sad, personal subjects.
- Arguments, especially if you’re angry at her.
- Apologies. If you fucked up, don’t hide behind a text window.
If any of these situations come up (and again, they shouldn’t), always call or arrange to meet. Never EVER get into a text argument when you’re emotional or she’s emotional. Always move the conversation aside until you can meet in person.
Send a “We can not talk about this over text. Let’s meet.” and be done with it. If she demands drama, she might not be good company for you.
Then turn off your phone. Don’t give in to the temptation to argue over text, regardless of who starts it.
Now you can face your text conversations more confidently. There shouldn’t be any difficulty in getting her off the online dating platform into a video chat or live meeting.
Just remember the key lessons here: text with the intention to meet and only get to know her in person.
What’s the worst texting story you can think of? Comment if you dare.