Admit it. You did it again.
You’ve just met her, online or otherwise. She’s hardly said two words to you.
You’ve already blurted out 6 paragraphs about how painful your past relationship was. Followed up by a detailed recollection of your life up to this point.
Then, to avoid awkwardness, you quickly explained (with two more paragraphs) why you wanted to bombard her with all of this information so quickly.
She’s not impressed.
The relationship between you dwindles into a harmless, distant acquaintanceship. Or the more usual case - she disappears to be never heard from again.
Does this sound familiar? Do you overwhelm girls with too much too soon?
You’re not alone. Let me help you with that.
Why You Feel Compelled to Give Away The Farm
If you’re one of the guys who feels compelled to give her everything immediately, regardless whether she wanted it or is entitled to it, you've probably noticed how unhelpful this is when it comes to romantic attraction.
Either she leaves you seenzoned or you're left on the sidelines while she hangs out with more attractive guys.
Let's be quite frank here.
You do this because you're avoiding pain, which can be a fear of rejection, guilt, shame or any number of things ingrained in your psyche. You're firing this unnecessary babble of communication as a pre-emptive strike to protect yourself from rejection.
You’re essentially rejecting yourself before anyone else can do it.
Think about the moment you're nervously chatting with an unfamiliar attractive girl. Does any of this resonate:
- Deep inside you don’t feel completely worthy of her attention and you need to explain yourself. On some level you’re already convinced you will be rejected.
- You feel it’s rare to have a woman’s attention, so before she goes away, you want to give her every possible reason to stay. So you blurt out an overwhelming amount of information in the hopes that something would stick.
- You feel that saying too little would be rude. Like answering completely and providing the whole story is the proper thing to do.
- On some level you know that you’re investing way too much into the conversation and you start to apologize for your babbling.
If you feel one or all of the above, then read on.
This is essentially the same fear as the fear of running out of things to say, which I wrote about here.
Why Giving Away Too Much Too Soon is Killing Her Attraction
At this point you might feel a bit defensive. Why is it a bad thing to talk a lot? If she feels unattracted to you because of it, surely it’s not your fault?
Hey, I agree. It’s not your fault if you make mistakes. That’s why you’re here learning to be better, because you’re awesome like that.
But it’s also not her fault if her emotions act the way they do.
Let’s see what she feels when you’re saying too much and why that leads to the opposite of attraction.
You’re Devaluing Yourself
We're always telling people to connect with their genuine selves and do exactly as they feel like doing with girls. Now here I am telling you to stop babbling your way and essentially manufacturing your own rejection.
If that’s what you feel like doing, it should leave you slightly irked to hear that. Why am I going against what I always tell guys?
Truth is - you’re not being yourself when you give away everything. You’re being a groveling little weasel who treats the other person as someone of a higher status. Not only does it leave the girl feeling a bit disgusted, but she’s also gonna also perceive you at a lower status.
Think about it. She expects to do some work before receiving something valuable, otherwise she won’t regard it as valuable. If you just pour your heart out simply because of her biological sex, she’s not gonna value you very highly.
And it’s worse than that.
You and her BOTH KNOW that you are not this groveling little weasel.
Who you are is a priceless, amazing, human being capable of limitless miracles. When you portray yourself as something much less than, it creates this strange dynamic of begging, scarcity and judgement.
You’re Ruining The Ending
On top of the unbalance in personal value, revealing everything leaves nothing to be intrigued about. Imagine if you were going to see a movie and your babbling friend revealed every plot twist before the movie started. All the intrigue of seeing the movie would have disappeared.
It’s the same with women (and anyone you interact with, really.) They will get the feeling that you’ve already told everything there is to tell, revealed every plot point so there’s nothing to feel excited about.
Or more specifically - there’s nothing to FEEL about.
You Leave Nothing To Be Desired
Being mysterious has a lot to do with embracing the silence in communication.
Embracing silence between words and letting that thick tension linger in the air is what creates sexual feelings. It’s what makes her think you’re a bit dangerous, someone who goes against social norms, someone who’s a bit of a maverick. You make her guess about who this mysterious man is and why she feels so darn attracted to him.
Check out this article about why women are attracted to mysterious men who don't give a fuck.
The opposite of this is talking too much. That will give an image of you as harmless. Unexciting. Someone who doesn’t create any sexual tension. Someone forgettable.
In short, then, giving away the farm too soon will destroy any chances of attraction developing.
How to Go From Babbling Buffoon to Attractively Mysterious
Hopefully you see why this behavior isn’t doing you any favors. It’s time to stop.
Remember that this is a protection mechanism. For whatever reason, you’ve learned that this is the correct response to this situation. You’ve been doing it because you didn’t know any better.
Now it's time to move on.
Don't feel embarrassed or apologetic about it. Just shrug it off.
Question is: how? It’s quite simple process, explained here in four steps.
1. Be Aware of Your Babbling
First, you need to be aware that you’re actually doing it. Because you’re reading this article, you’ve got this part handled.
You’ve probably noticed that women leave you seenzoned or just ghost after you drop an embarrassing knowledgebomb on them. The next time you’re about to drop a full confession like she was your priest, stop and take notice.
Observe your feelings and thoughts before you press send or open your mouth.
Then ... don’t.
Just erase that message, or swallow the sentence you were about to blurt out. Say NOTHING.
2. Enjoy The Silence
Now that you can’t give away the farm, you’re going to face a lot of silence. That’s going to feel awkward and tense.
Good. That’s where the emotions start growing. That’s what makes the difference between “friendly nice guy” and “mysterious attractive man.”
Like we talked about in this article, you must learn to enjoy the tension that comes from not saying anything. Relish in it. That’s where intrigue is formed. That’s where excitement, nervousness and arousal come from.
Remember that words convey information. Silence conveys emotion. You want her to feel you - not just comprehend you.
Then release the tension with a confident, but short answer.
That's the push and pull of a fun, engaging conversation.
3. Recognize Your Value
Be comfortable being vague until she’s earned your attention. You don’t have to tell her everything about your life immediately. Hell, you don’t even have to tell her everything about your last 5 seconds.
Always leave room for questions!
Note that I’m not telling you to avoid sharing things about yourself. I’m saying don’t feel obliged to offer her every single detail about every single thing going on in your life. Remember that your time is valuable and the details of your life are not available for everyone.
You want to be a bit of a mystery. Keep her intrigued about you.
4. Communicate Like An Attractive Man
Shorten your answers.
Remember that you’re offering way too much value without getting anything in return at the moment. You should reel in your talkativeness almost to an extreme extent. I wouldn’t say go all the way to Finnish-levels of short answers, but one sentence answers should be your norm before there’s a solid rapport between you two.
Remember that she must invest too. There’s two in this conversation. Make her work to keep your attention. For every question you answer, make her answer one or two.
If that sounds awfully serious, you can jokingly tell her that she’s gotta play too, otherwise it’s a one way interrogation. That way you can immediately gauge whether or not she’s actually having fun talking with you or if it’s boring the living daylights out of her.
When you want to say something, don’t try to justify it or explain yourself. Just say it.
Don’t skirt around sensitive topics. Make every topic a comfortable one, or at least one that’s allowed.
Oh and above all else - have fun. This is supposed to be a wonderful time between you two. Make it a flirty game, tease her and joke around with your newfound silent mystery persona.
Now you know why it’s a bad idea to overwhelm her with information. Hopefully you’ve got some new tools under your belt that you can use when you face this situation in the future.
Did you manage to shut up this time? Comment below.