It’s frustrating, isn’t it?
You spend hours crafting your online dating profile. You jump through endless hoops of finding the correct photos, describing your hobbies and interests, filling out gorram captchas to make sure you’re not a bot.
Then you spend even more hours browsing through a seemingly endless sea of women, trying to find one who might give you the time of day.
And if you DO find this girl and come up with a clever greeting ... it's crickets.
The above is rinse and repeat for most men who look to online dating for their romantic needs. It’s frustrating, and even worse, you start doubting yourself.
“Will this ever work? Am I good enough for anyone out there?”
Here’s the ugly truth: The game is rigged against you. Let’s talk about how to get more results for your online dating efforts.
How to Get More Online Dating Replies Instantly
To get more online dating replies, make sure you:
Getting replies is easy. Following these tips should already increase the amount of replies you get. If you’re looking for a magic bullet answer then, you can just stop reading here.
For the rest of you though, you’ll be shaking your head.
You know that these tips will not be enough to attract quality women into your life. While your replies and matches might go up, you still won’t be able to truly connect with girls. This is the reason only 12% of people have ended up in a serious relationship with a person they met through online dating.
Getting high quality matches with women who you genuinely connect with, consistently and EFFORTLESSLY is about so much more. I want you to have an inbox full of replies from amazing women with whom you align completely.
And to do that, we have to go way deeper than quick shortcut tips. If you’re interested in more than a short term band aid solution, read on.
First though, I don't recommend traditional online dating at all.
The Ugly Truth: 7 Reasons to Avoid Online Dating
Online dating used to be a complete “no from me dawg.” I still hesitate to recommend it to anyone, even in this strange lockdown climate of ours.
As a pragmatic person, I do recognize the practical necessity of having a tool for connecting with people from the safety of your home, but only when used correctly. If you’re not prepared for the world you’re stepping into, online dating can have detrimental effects not just on your love life, but also on your emotional health.
Let me explain. Here’s 7 reasons why you should avoid online dating altogether.
1. It’s a waste of time.
Every single phase of the online dating process takes hours, or even days.
Imagine the absolute best case scenario, where you have a profile ready and you happen to match with a wonderful girl who instantly agrees to go out with you. You still have to figure out a time that works out for both of you.
Even if you both happen to have time available the same day, she will need a few hours to get ready and you still have to travel to the meeting spot.
And if all of that happens to go well, you’re still not sure if your chemistry works in real life.
It’s just a gorram waste of time.
2. Success rates are low.
Pickup artists used to tell me it’s a numbers game. Talk to enough girls and someone will agree to date you. I remember some master pickup artists “approaching” dozens and dozens of girls before someone gave them the time of day.
Pitiful and sad, but that’s how it is in the online dating world. You have very limited opportunity to choose who you talk to, so it’s a case of bombarding everyone with a message and hoping someone responds.
Expect a “hit rate” of less than 20%. Or if you're Brad Pitt, perhaps 25%. But you're not Brad Pitt. He doesn't use online dating sites.
And of those hits, you still need to find one that you actually resonate with. Since we tend to get along really well with about 5% of people, expect to send about a 100 messages before finding someone who you feel connected with.
This is exactly why the matches that happen are weak and it’s very rare to find a solid longterm companion you have a strong connection with. Remember, there's a reason only 12% of online daters have found a longterm relationship.
3. It forces men to be needy.
You know what’s sexy? It’s a man being completely disconnected from possible results and focusing only on expressing his feelings in the moment. It’s a man who doesn’t mind rejection because he knows there’s endless amounts of other women in the world.
This man will unapologetically express his desires, with full acceptance and awareness of other people at the same time.
Online dating drives people to behave in quite literally the opposite manner. Since matches and connections are so hard to come by, any rare match that comes along leaves you that much more invested in making it work.
That means a rejection hurts ever so slightly more.
After spending so many hours working to get even the smallest result, it’s incredibly difficult for even the most enlightened individual to be fully disconnected from the result, leading to needy behavior. Meaning - lacking patience, being rude, feeling entitled to a result, being hurt by rejection, etc.
Online dating by pure design makes otherwise decent people appear less attractive.
4. People lie on their dating profiles.
Yes, girls lie on their dating profiles.
The most flagrant example of this is the “Myspace” angle in photos, where overweight people would hide their flubber under their cleavage by taking their selfies from a high angle.
Thing is - I have nothing against cleavages or fat people. But displaying yourself dishonestly on a dating profile is wasting everyone’s time. If they don’t accept you as you are, you’re talking to the wrong person.
If they don't accept you as you are, you're talking to the wrong person. #relationshipgoals #onlinedating
Most lying happens unintentionally though. We all choose photos that show us in a positive light. We all try to downplay our faults and emphasize our strengths.
That’s why you can never be 100% sure who the person on the other end actually is until you meet in real life.
5. Matching is easy, connecting is not.
A major selling point of online dating is that you can meet people from the comfort of your own home. This means you don’t have to risk embarrassment, awkwardness or getting vulnerable in front of another person.
It’s really easy to escape the situation and just ghost.
While this sounds great, it removes part of the humanity of the situation.
When there’s no risk to opening a dialogue or sending a message, there’s no investment in the conversation. When you have zero investment in the interaction, it’s increasingly easy to just stop talking. You don’t see the other person as a human being, but more of a name on a screen. It becomes less of a connection tool and more of a distraction for boredom while you’re sitting on the toilet.
Now this is fine if you’re looking for a quick distraction while on the throne, but if you’re looking for true connection, you’re fighting an uphill battle. You need to be considered human first.
If you're looking for true connection between humans in online dating, you're fighting an uphill battle. #onlinedating #relationshipgoals
6. It's addictive and can lead to depression.
If you happen to be a social recluse who doesn’t go out much in the first place, online dating is probably the worst thing you could do. If your only contact with women is through the screen, and you get nothing but silence and rejection, it may lead to a spiral of depression, misanthropy and all sorts of nasty emotional issues.
It doesn’t help that most online dating software has been gamified to provide glimpses of success to keep you playing, but never really getting you all the way.
Online dating sites are also well known for having fake profiles to lure new lonely users to the site. After all, how many horny singles can there really be in your area?
7. The only party who wins is the platform.
The platform is built to make you feel like you’re on the edge of success, but just not quite there yet.
They’ll tease you with ways to get to success sooner. “You have 6 matches waiting for your message! All you need is this premium package with this monthly price of $99 and you can have all the chat tokens you want. Oh and you’ll get the best location at the top of the search results.”
Make no mistake. Online dating is built on keeping men lonely.
The online dating platform has no interest in seeing you succeed.
How to Set Yourself Up For Success to Do Before Even Touching an Online Dating App
Maybe now you’re starting to understand why I don’t recommend online dating to anyone?
Yet, there’s a way to use online dating as it was meant to be: a tool in your dating arsenal. Let’s see how you can use online dating, instead of letting online dating use you.
We'll start by internal work. This means to correctly align your expectations, goals and beliefs even before you ever set foot into the online dating world.
1. Manage your relationship goals.
A goal is something you shoot towards - a general direction reference like the North Star. When setting goals, it's important to choose ones that you have control over.
For instance - instead of an arbitrary and vague goal like “I will get a girlfriend,” you would make your goal “I will talk to 30 girls this month.” The latter you have power over, the former is wishful thinking. You can set yourself up to be in a position to talk to 30 girls. You can't force them to be your girlfriend.
In the same way, figure out what you want from your online dating efforts. What kind of relationship are you after? A quick fling, a chat online, or a partner for life?
This will make it easier to quickly drop candidates who don’t align to your goals, saving you time and frustration. You’ll no longer try to force a success with someone who has no chance of meeting your relationship goals.
My Relationship Goals:
I’m only interested in self-aware girls who I can share an immediate intimate connection with. And if the connection is not there, I’ll just move on. This makes online dating a quick and straightforward process for me, after which I can get on with my life.
2. Manage your expectations.
Wait, expectations? Didn’t we just cover this with the goals-thing?
No. Goals are different from expectations. It’s important to internalize the difference and manage expectations accordingly.
An expectation means an added emotional baggage to a goal. It can be a useful tool when managed properly.
Let's look at the example goal of talking to 30 girls. If you expect nothing, you won’t care if you reach the goal or not. This may not be practical, as you have no reason to succeed. On the other hand, if you expect to only succeed and don't even account for the possibility of failure, you'll face huge emotional resistance to the task because you haven't allowed yourself to fail. Failing might even lead to bitterness or anger and self-punishment.
The trick is to manage a healthy and reasonable amount of expectations, and be accepting and loving of any possible result.
So instead of two extremes, try to set your expectation to a more analytical level. Figure out all the steps required to meet your goal. Then set yourself an expectation to do all those things. Be excited about the opportunity to challenge yourself! And if you don't meet your goal, accept it immediately.
If you don't talk to a girl, or if you only spoke to 29 girls, then:
- Congratulate yourself for the things you did well.
- Examine what you can do better next time. Learn.
- Let it go and move on.
Let’s look at two examples of how different ways of managing expectations can either help or hinder your chances in online dating. Imagine these guys just found a match and opened up a chat window with a hot girl:
Example #1 - Lousy Expectations
Because he's done all this work and waited all this time for a match, he DESERVES to finally get a date.
Finally he will be rewarded for his good guy efforts. He's been shortchanged so often by women, the time to get his moment has FINALLY arrived.
She ghosts him. In the middle of a sentence no less.
He feels anger and rage coming up. How dare she? He lets loose and fires away the most vile insults and lets her know how awful she is as a human being.
He feel rejected, hateful and bitter towards women. He spends the next few days complaining about how awful his social life is and how the game is rigged against you.
Women avoid this guy because they don't want to be the target of his negativity.
The guy in example #1 sounds like a douche. Ever met someone like him? I have. I used to be that guy. It’s not pretty. So let’s adjust that expectation a bit.
Example #2 - Balanced Expectations
Dude smiles. He's done all this work and it’s finally paying off.
He realizes that success rates are incredibly low in online dating and even the smallest success is AMAZING. He knows she has a thousand other guys messaging her and she chose to pay attention to HIM! How awesome is that? He feels thankful to exchange lines with this incredible human being, considering how fickle the online attention span is.
He wonders what will happen now.
She ghosts him. In the middle of a sentence no less.
He nods to himself, laughs a bit and moves on. He carries on with his day, feeling all warm and fuzzy about his online dating success, looking forward to his next awesome encounter.
Then something unexpected happens. Another girl comes along, sees his joyful disposition and asks how he's doing. They end up talking and … that's a story for another time.
Obviously in the second example I'm flowering up the possibilities a bit, but the truth is that Guy #2 will recover much quicker. He doesn't assume the rejection as an emotional burden and carry it around.
You can control your results by managing your expectations. It's quite the superpower.
3. Learn acceptance.
In online dating, and in life in general, you’ll face plenty of rejections. You’ll face frustrations, dead ends and massive disappointments. That’s life. These results will start to eat at you if you assign them an emotional value.
Imagine every time you don’t meet your expectation, you have to pay. Not in money, but as an emotional debt. This is what most people do. And most people are nervous panicky wrecks because they feel so much emotional debt.
There’s a simple cure to this situation. It's called acceptance.
Imagine you’ve been rejected and you feel angry, sad, deflated, all of it. As much as society tries to teach us that expressing feelings is a bad thing, those feelings are a natural part of your humanity and you need to feel them.
Accept and love your anger.
Tell yourself “I am now feeling <insert feeling> and I LOVE IT.”
Tell yourself “I am now thinking <insert thought> and I LOVE IT.”
The more you give space to the what you are and the more you have space to observe what's coming out of you, the sooner you realize it’s gone and you can move on.
This process may feel awkward and even scary at first, because most feelings come with pain. And I’m not gonna lie. Pain hurts. But like ripping off a band aid, it hurts a lot less than you think, and the pain dissolves rapidly.
Once you make this process part of your daily routine, you’ll soon have no more emotional debt. Online dating will become a whole lot easier when you’re not carrying around this burden.
4. Never use online dating as your only connection to women.
The main reason so many guys expect so much from online dating is because it’s their only connection to women. This is where most lonely guys go wrong.
They turn to online dating because their life is boring and uneventful otherwise. That’s a great way to get zero replies and drive yourself into a deep depression.
Instead, build a healthy lifestyle FIRST. Only then use online dating as a cool bonus on top. So if you’re thinking of signing up to a dating service, do a quick runthrough of the healthy life checklist.
Healthy Life Checklist:
Only if you can answer all of these questions with a quick YES, should you ever consider online dating. If not, you have work to do.
5. Allocate your time properly.
Be systematic about how you use online dating. Like a drug, it can easily turn into unfocused distraction. You should approach it like a precision tool.
So set yourself a maximum time limit you will spend on online dating. Give yourself a guideline on what you will do within that time. If you don’t have clear action steps to take daily, your online dating time will turn into aimless browsing.
Note: also set yourself a MINIMUM time. If you need to send 20 messages every day, then you need to sit down and do it. Remember the low success rates? At some point, you just need to sit down and put in the work.
Then stop and carry on with your day. Forget online dating, until your next scheduled online dating time slot.
I recommend not carrying any online dating apps on your phone, so you don’t fall into the distraction swiping on the toilet and rather do it with intention on your laptop or computer.
6. Approach with curiosity and love.
Finally, build your online dating approach around spreading love and curiosity. Your long term goal might be to attract quality women into your life, but your short term goal in your online dating efforts should be to learn about yourself and spread good feelings.
This way you’re unattached from immediate results, you’ll have more fun, and women will feel more comfortable in your space. Meaning - you’ll attract more women.
5 Ways to Make Your Online Dating Profile Irresistible
Cool! Now you’re in the right headspace.
Next comes setting up your actual profile, the part of you that's visible on the online dating platform. While this is a clear reflection of your online dating mindset, it's also important to set it up properly. Let’s see how you can make your profile look amazing.
1. Get better photos.
An example of a good Instagram profile, from user _ivanbrz_
Face it. In the highly visual world of online dating, you need great photos. Ideally, you would have a professional photographer follow you around with expensive equipment for the best day of your life. But since that only works in movies, here’s a checklist for great photos:
4-6. Quality over quantity. The trouble with a large amount of photos is that it’s difficult to keep a similar style without getting repetitive. So aim for 4 great photos.
Use the highest resolution available. A DSLR or professional camera equipment is preferable, but an Iphone or good Android phone will do. The problem with smartphone cameras is the distortion around the edges of the image due to the compact lens design. Photoshop programs are able to rectify this distortion after the fact, but it’s easier to just be in the center of the frame in the first place.
Outdoors in cloudy daylight weather is best. Otherwise you’ll end up with overexposed images that make you look horrible.
Get a friend to do the shooting, or use a good tripod to take photos with a timer. Selfies make you look like you have no social life or friends. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it just doesn’t make a good impression.
Now for the most important thing, content. All photos should be recent! So nothing from 5 years ago. Your first image should be a clear photo of your face. Don’t use sunglasses!
Your next images should be: one of you at your hobby or interest, one of you in an interesting background, and one of you doing something brave. I will leave you to interpret what that means for your life in particular. Just remember that in all photos, you need to be clearly visible and taking up at least 25% of the image. Here's a great article on photo composition and framing yourself in the photo.
2. Write a better description.
Unless you’re a professional copywriter (which I know some of you are), your description should include only a few lines. Trust me - a stranger will not find you interesting enough to read a novel’s worth of information about you.
Necessary things to include:
- What you would love to see in a woman.
- What you would love to do together.
- Something you love to do daily.
- Something you strive towards in your life. Try to make this a business or personal goal, so you have other things going on than just your singleness.
- Mention your job or income source as a side note if you’re not especially proud of it. And then, focus on telling about the benefit you provide to the world. “I work at an investment bank” would turn into “I help people get more money when they retire.”
That’s it. That’s all you need. All the rest is fluff. After you write your first few profiles, delete at least 50%. Shorter and more effective is a massive improvement.
3. Be straight to the point.
People in the online dating world have the attention span of a trained newt. That means you have to take the lead and get them invested in you quickly.
Once you find a match, don’t even try to get to know her in the chat window. Exchange a few lines to show you’re not a psycho and ask for her phone number. Your immediate goal should be to get her on the phone or videochat.
If videochat isn’t your thing (it sure isn’t mine), just ask for her Whatsapp or Telegram. Then you send a few voice messages to let her hear your voice and arrange a date.
Then shut up until the date.
Be quick. Be straightforward. Don’t fuck about.
Let me recap:
- Few lines in the online dating system for greetings and small talk. Get her phone number.
- Few lines either on the phone or over instant messenger. Get her on a date.
- 30 minutes and you’re done. Then radio silence until the date.
4. Use the right platform.
There’s a thousand different dating platforms out there, all with slightly different purposes. One is for LGBT people. One makes the girl message you first. Websites and mobile apps, there's something for everyone.
Sure, they’re all designed to take your money. But one will always suit your natural tendencies and interests better than the other. Never feel like you have to be on one particular site, because you can find the perfect online dating site for you.
If there isn't a perfect dating site for you, then online dating may not be your thing.
I’m not going to link to dating sites from here because I fundamentally disagree with what they do, but you can easily Google a list of the most obvious ones.
A not so obvious one is … Instagram. It’s less of a taboo to message girls on it nowadays, as long as you adhere to the online dating guidelines mentioned earlier. It’s also free and wildly effective, because there’s so many weirdos trying to talk to girls.
But because there’s so many weirdos, you have to expect a massive amount of unresponsive people, even if your profile is in top form.
5. Only message your type of girl.
You have limited time to spend on your chosen platform. Why would you waste it on women you don’t want to be with?
Or worse - women who don’t want to be with you?
So firstly, only message your dream women. None of that "compromise" bullshit. Then move on and don’t stop to wait for a response. Remember - if they’re worth your time, you won’t have to beg for their attention.
Once you figure out your type, you’ll find women to be much more responsive and easier to talk to.
You now know how to prepare yourself internally for online dating, and how to set up your online dating profile for maximum effectiveness.
Which part was most helpful to you? What tips of your own have helped you on your own online journey until now? Comment below, let us know.