You just met her. You’ve basically run through your list of ice breaking questions.
“What do you do for work?”
“What’s your favorite color?”
“Do you have any brothers and sisters?”
And you run out of things to say. All is left is an awkward silence. You can feel the pressure mounting. You feel like every moment you say nothing, she’s losing interest in you.
You look around nervously, trying to come up with talking points. A small bead of sweat forms on your brow. She looks at you expectedly.
Every second feels like an eternity now. You know she can feel it too. The butterflies in your stomach are turning into a swarm of bees. The one bead of sweat has turned into a trickle. You feel a growing guilt and shame for creating this awkward situation.
To escape the situation, you quickly mumble a goodbye and run off while kicking yourself for fucking it up once again.
Next time you just avoid talking to her in the first place, just to avoid creating this awful situation another time.
If you’re like most men, this situation is all too familiar. Let’s unravel what it actually means to run out of things to say, and how easy it is to snap out of this spiral of doom.
3 Instant Fixes When You Run out of Things to Say
When you run out of things to say, and feel the stress building up, you might end up locking up entirely. This, by the way, is also called “stagefright.” Here’s a few ways to quickly release this tension and get back on track:
Any one of these tips will instantly get you out of that lock-up state and back into the creative conversational state.
But at this point you need to ask. Is running out of things to say really the problem you’re concerned with? After all, you’re trying to become an attractive man, not a source of never-ending word salad.
Those two are not the same thing.
For the attractive, enigmatic man, it's actually the things that he does NOT say that make him irresistible to the girl.
Wait, what? Sounds counterintuitive, doesn’t it?
Here, let me illustrate.
Ugly Truth: You’re Not Really Afraid Of Running Out Of Things to Say
Imagine a history teacher giving a lecture, reading a non-stop litany of dry words from his cobwebbed book. He’s not running out of things to say, but the class is falling asleep. I guarantee no woman is waiting to have sex with this dude, even though he’s not running out of things to say.
Or let’s say a stand up comedian has a list of all the funniest jokes ever written in history. This comedian is so nervous that he doesn’t even stop to take a breath. He just keeps talking nonstop, delivering his jokes like he’s reciting through a shopping list.
No one is laughing. It’s like the jokes have lost their punch. The audience finds his show unengaging and … boring.
Then imagine the classic Casanova-character. The subdued, smartly dressed, relaxed, somewhat mysterious James Bond type character. He’s not a bubbly motormouth or entertainer. In fact, it feels like he rarely says anything. Yet, he’s surrounded by women, desperate to drop their panties.
The obvious, but often forgotten truth is that it’s not the words that make you interesting. It’s the silence between the words and the tension of waiting for the silence to end.
It’s not the words that make you interesting. It’s the silence between the words and the tension of waiting for the silence to end. #confidence #attraction
While words are great for delivering information, they do not create emotion. Tension between words is what creates emotion.
Truth is, you’re not afraid of running out of words to say. You’re actually afraid of the emotional tension that follows.
Why We Fear and Avoid Silence
As humans, it’s in our nature to conform to what the group deems appropriate, to avoid being ostracized and alienated. This deeply ingrained behavior is inherited from a time when being kicked out of the group would mean almost certain death.
Obviously in modern society, there's no such risk, but your body still reacts as if it were the case.
That's why embarrassment, rejection or failure, feels so bad. It's triggering that part within us that doesn't want to be kicked out of the tribe. In other words, every time you face rejection, something deep inside you is fearing for its survival.
Getting back to talking to girls, that's where these feelings are acutely present. You already feel a bit under scrutiny for daring to talk to a girl, and now you're risking massive embarrassment by running out of things to say. Even though in reality everything is fine, you can feel all of society judging you for doing things wrong.
... and *trigger.*
Your body feels threatened. You feel sweaty and thinking becomes difficult. You clench up. You no longer know what to say.
Your body has entered fight or flight mode to maximize your chances of survival. This means:
Fight or Flight Mode
You were already nervous to talk to a pretty girl, and now you’re starved of resources to think at all because your body is preparing to get the fuck out of there.
What a world, eh?
It gets better.
Your Avoidance of Embarrassment Makes You Unattractive
Let me let you in on a little secret.
While you’ve been busy panicking because of your fear of death, she’s also going through her own flurry of emotions. Panic, excitement, curiosity, fear, joy are all running through her body.
If you rush to deflate the situation without letting any of these feelings build up and gain traction, she will feel deflated and indifferent about you. She’ll feel you’re just another harmless dude.
A complete absence of tension is boring. It’s what causes guys to be described as “nice.” Instead, if you let emotional tension linger past the point of comfort and then release, new feelings emerge. A buildup and release of tension is exactly what leads to romantic and sexual feelings.
See what I’m getting at?
If you learn to accept the discomfort of the possibility of being judged by society, you'll have access to a whole new level of interacting with people. You'll come across as someone who doesn't shy away from uncomfort or danger.
Furthermore, if you learn to be at peace with building and releasing emotional tension in a playful and non-judgmental way, women will regard you as fun and exciting. Someone who is in harmony with his feelings and makes her feel safe.
These are the building blocks of an attractive man.
Indeed, when you stop running away from tension, you have direct access to your own sexuality.
If you’re still trying to think of ways to never run out of things to say, stop it now.
Your aim should instead be to embrace the silence and become a master of emotional tension. Let’s look at how you can turn your fear of running out of things to say into a way of expressing your sexuality.
3 Steps From Fearing Silence to Sexual Attraction
The next time you speak with a beautiful woman and you run out of things to say, you now have the opportunity to turn it into a growth experience. Instead of panicking about possible failure or rejection, you can look at it as a chance to flirt and show yourself as a sexual being.
Here’s how you do it.
Let’s set the stage. Imagine you’re in that spot again. She’s staring at you and you have nothing to say.
1. Let go of the panic
First, snap out of the panic reaction. Your body is heading down fight/flight street and you want to remain calm and functional.
- Breathe in deeply and hold it while counting to five. Breathe out and hold it while counting to five. This not only gives you more time to think, but the deep breaths force your body from fight/flight mode into normal operation mode.
- Remind yourself that you’re not responsible for conversation. You’re here to experience time together. You’re not here for her entertainment. If this is what you must do in this particular moment, then you will do it.
- If you feel the panic and lock up coming on anyway, don’t fight it. Accept it. Let it happen. In fact, embrace it, tell yourself “I love this feeling. I’m ALIVE.” Just accepting this new sensation is often enough to let it dissolve.
2. Feel the tension
You’ve managed to remain calm in a tense situation. Great! Now you find yourself sitting on an emotional rollercoaster, slowly rising towards the highest point.
Resist the urge to speak. Instead of opening your mouth to blurt out something, do this:
- Observe yourself. Observe her. Where is she looking? What color are her eyes? Listen to the silence. Look at her lips. How does she make you feel?
- Keep breathing. In, hold for 5 seconds, out, hold for 5 seconds.
- Feel the tension growing. Be aware of all the alarm bells going off in your body. Accept this and revel in it. Think about how ridiculous it is that you’re just letting this tense situation escalate ever further.
3. Release the emotional buildup
The emotional rollercoaster has been clattering up the hill for what seems like ages. You can feel the emotional temperature between you two rising rapidly. Now it’s time to release the tension.
- Call out the situation. What just happened? Speak slowly. Speak so slowly it’s verging on ridiculous.
- Don’t censor yourself. This one requires a whole lot more practice, but the more honest you are, the hotter she will find you. Did you just freeze because she was so fucking hot that your blood shot straight into your penis? Or were you so nervous that you locked up because of the way she looked at you?
- If she asks you why you’re acting strangely, tell her exactly what you’re doing. You’re training yourself to be less nervous and more attractive. You are finding yourself as a man. In fact, ask her if it’s working.
Remember that it’s all in good fun. None of this should be all that serious. If you don’t get further than step 1, that’s alright. Do better next time. But keep trying. Keep pushing the limit. And keep getting into conversations!
As a side note - Sometimes our fears of being shamed for trying something new come true. Some people just can’t handle you growing as a human being. So if the person in front of you gives you crap for trying to become a better man, remove them from your life. You don’t need a woman who doesn’t support you and all your endeavours.
Embrace silence. Embrace tension! You now have a new set of tools to use when you’re in the curious position of running out of things to say in front of a woman, or any other audience for that matter.
What’s the most embarrassing experience you’ve had with freezing or locking up in front of a woman? Leave a comment and share with us if you dare.