You always wanted to be that guy. You know the one.
When he walks in, everyone notices. When he takes action, it’s decisive and powerful. He’s the leader of the pack, even if no one is following.
You can sense women's admiration for him. When he talks to a girl, he always knows what to say to make her giggle. If only you had what this guy had, you’d be irresistible to girls, you mutter to yourself.
If only you’d have CONFIDENCE, your life would be PERFECT.
I know these thoughts have crossed your mind because they've crossed my mind.
Let me tell you. Gaining more confidence is very much possible and a straightforward process. Here’s something surprising though: it may not be confidence you’re looking for.
Let’s talk about that.
4 Quick Ways to Get an Instant Boost in Confidence
Let’s start with some quick ways to boost your confidence when you’re feeling down, in the spotlight or about to head into a scary situation. This is sometimes all you need to snap out of the spiral of doubt and get back into your groove.
- Stop. Breathe. Count to ten. Remind yourself this is life. You’re alive
- Take a shot of vodka. No, I’m actually kidding. Instead, take a shot of water. It will refresh and revitalize you. Focus your mind on the present.
- Realize that there is no wrong result here (accept failure)
- Move first, then worry about thinking. Get up, shake yourself, bounce a bit.
But what if you’re looking for something more than just simple tips? What if you’re looking for a sort of inner confidence, instead of something momentarily tacked on like a band-aid?
Come to think of it - what actually IS confidence?
What Is Confidence and What it Is Not
Let’s start by breaking down what confidence actually is. We all have some idea what it means in context, but it can get messy when you try to pin down a specific definition.
In short, confidence means “perceived trust in your ability.” It’s important to be specific about this and not conflate it with anything else.
What Confidence Is Not
A common misconception is to confuse confidence with arrogance or insensitivity.
You have to keep in mind that the genuinely confident man has no problem being humble or revealing vulnerability. He trusts his abilities enough to not need to boast about them to others. He also doesn’t mind showing off his vulnerable side because he is deeply aware that other people’s judgements will not hurt him.
That’s why if you see an arrogant, rude, or insensitive person, you can be reasonably sure they're lacking in confidence.
Confidence and Self-esteem Are Two Different Things
I used to use confidence interchangeably with the word self-esteem. Let’s be clear about this - they’re two different things:
- Confidence is trusting your abilities.
- Self-esteem is the worth you place on yourself.
Clearly separating these two things is helpful for understanding yourself and others.
Sure, there’s a clear correlation between confidence and self-esteem. A highly confident man will usually have a healthy appreciation of his abilities and places a healthy worth on himself.
On the other hand, a man lacking in confidence will often lack self-esteem as well. You’ve seen him before. He’s the dude who gets easily defensive, or seems strangely persistent in making sure everyone knows how amazing he is.
Do Women Really Love Confidence?
We connect the archetypal James Bond character, whose confidence never wavers and always has a witty comeback ready, with being massively popular among women. But - is it really the confidence itself that women are attracted to, or is it some other combination of attractive factors that often happen to include confidence?
In other words: Is it possible to be a confident man who is unattractive to women?
Sounds strange, but the answer is yes.
As we know, confidence is trust in one’s abilities. You can have absolute confidence in your abilities, and yet be completely ignored by women.
For example, imagine someone who is completely useless with women. The moment he opens his mouth, and sometimes even before that, women practically run away from him. Yet, it’s perfectly possible that he’s fully confident in a skill he has. Perhaps he’s extremely skilled at painting portraits or coding in Java.
What about the opposite? Is it possible to be an unconfident man and be attractive to women?
Again, the answer is yes.
Many times when I’ve gone to speak with an unfamiliar beautiful woman who I find wildly attractive, my approach has been a stumbling mess with me messing up words and being nervous as hell. Yet - they’ve found me plenty attractive.
What Women Are Actually Looking For
Confidence by itself isn't enough to make women fall for you. But what is?
Let’s break it down.
Women are attracted to a man who is:
That last part is incredibly important.
You can’t have confidence in an ability that you don’t have yet.
Which means, it's perfectly natural to not have confidence all the time. That's when courage comes in. Courage is the ability to do it anyway, even when it’s damn scary and you’re taking a risk of fucking it up.
More than confidence, women value a man who is building his own life, is honest about where he is in his journey, and is unapologetic about where he IS NOT in his journey.
Now, contrary to what some pickup artists out there will tell you, you can’t fake this.
Contrary to what some pickup artists out there will tell you, you can’t fake confidence. #attraction #man #pua #enigmaticman
Women will test you relentlessly if they sense that you’re wearing a mask, putting on a show or pretending to have any of these traits when you actually don’t. You’ll find guys in the pickup artist community (and Red Pill community etc.) who get “shit tested” constantly. Meaning that women keep pushing their ego-buttons, trying to see if their confidence is only skin deep.
For these guys, difficult women and shit testing becomes an everyday reality. They adopt a reality where women are devious creatures who only exist to take and steal from men. Which only feeds into the persecution complex rampant in these women-hating subcultures.
You don’t want that in your life, trust me.
Truth is, when you don’t really have confidence and you’re honest about it, women tend to give you all the patience in the world. It’s in fact massively attractive.
The Secret to Becoming The Confident Man Women Love
When you realize you don’t need ultimate confidence all the time, you suddenly don’t need to feel pressure about it anymore. Paradoxically, you won’t feel unconfident, despite your lack of confidence.
Let’s look at how you can do that.
1. Forgive Yourself and Accept Your Limitations
Looking for confidence is a losing battle.
Even if we were to assume you have a supply of confidence for every possible situation you might encounter, you'll still have to deal with two problems.
First, a limited supply of confidence will run out at some point.
Second, you keep growing and evolving as a person, you will eventually run into a situation you have no experience in. Meaning that you can not have a supply of confidence to deal in that situation.
The first step to limitless confidence is to accept the situation. You’re already heading into a tough situation, why would you make it more difficult for yourself? Just forgive yourself for not being a superhuman, realize that it’s gonna feel dreadful and do it anyway.
A good friend of mine, Ed Baxter, says “fuck confidence.” And he’s a pretty confident guy. So every time you run into a situation where you feel unprepared, lacking, or just shitting your pants-scared, tell yourself “Fuck confidence! I feel absolutely unprepared for this AND I LOVE IT.”
Then just do it anyway.
2. Then Just Do It Anyway
You’re going to appear in the situation as the person you were born as. Flawed, imperfect, unready, and AUTHENTICALLY YOU.
Easier said than done, eh? Let me show you how to access to unlimited power to do it anyway.
I understand that saying “just do it” is a Shia Labeouf-level cliché that doesn’t really mean anything. To be quite honest, I hate when people say that. You can’t “just do it” if you believe you can’t.
... but what if you believed otherwise? That’s what courage is.
Courage is like a fuel reserve with limitless supply. When you’re headed into unknown territory, you can tap into your courage. When all seems lost and everything is against you, you crack open a can of courage.
Us Finns call it sisu. Up here in the dark North, life sucks for 9 months of the year and we’ve built a whole culture’s worth of “do it anyway”-energy to get through it.
This is the fury, the rage, the FIRE that lives within you. Currently it’s perhaps only a small spark and you don’t even feel it. So let’s kindle that spark, so that you have an everlasting blaze burning within you.
There’s a whole bunch of great exercises for this. Let’s start with…
My favorite go-to exercise for everything is meditation. Not because it’s some sort of universal panacea to all situations, but because it’s a great way to connect to what you actually want to do. You only know what’s best for you when it comes to your growth.
When you learn to accept yourself and your doubts, they no longer have a strong grip on your actions. In practice this means that while your body is screaming at you to stop, you can smile and give it love. Like a petulant child just needs to be seen.
I’ve explained meditation in detail in this video, but here’s a quick cheatsheet:
- 1Sit down for 20 minutes.
- 2Observe your thoughts and feelings.
- 3Let go of judgement. Focus on actively accepting everything that comes through.
You have to learn to trust your body. Martial arts and fighting sports are great for this, because you learn to not only move your limbs, but also summon some rage to the surface.
Also, if you learn to spar with other fighters, you’ll grow less intimidated by the prospect of getting hit by someone. Nothing is more frightening than a man who isn’t afraid of being hit in the face.
Working in Sales
Sales, really any sales job will force you to face different types of people. It’s a bit of a brute force way to learn courage, but it’s still rather effective. Also you can make some good money while at it.
When your job is to call dozens of strangers every day, with zero knowledge of how they will react to you invading their time, you’ll either quit or learn to disconnect yourself from their reaction.
Social Freedom Exercises
When you do something directly contrary to established etiquette, you’re defying society. A social freedom exercise is when you take that to the extreme. It’ll show you in a very practical way that society doesn’t care what you do.
Example Social Freedom Exercises
- Lie down in the middle of a busy sidewalk for a minute. Just lie down. If people come and ask what’s up, just tell them you’re absolutely fine.
- When you're walking through a busy street on, slow your walk down to a crawl, like a movie on slow motion. Feel the heavy stares.
You’ll realize soon that nobody gives a shit about what you do. They’re too busy worrying about themselves.
Hopefully now you have a grasp on how you can act without confidence.
You no longer have to freeze because you run out of confidence, or feel envious of the confident man getting all the girls. You can do anything you want.